7 Ways To Stop Living In The Past happy bankStep 7: Work on yourselfLive in the pastHave you ever wondered why you always seem to end up in the same place in your life, in the same situations, or with the same types of people? Have you ever wondered why every time you start a new relationship the result is the same type of relationship you had the last time? Do you always set the same goals every year and then keep breaking them? Do you find that you always end up talking about everything or that you always think about the worst case scenario? Surprisingly enough, what most people don't understand is that we tend to recreate the past over and over again, often without even realizing it. Have you ever felt trapped in an eternal DejaVu. Have you ever wondered why, why nothing ever seems to change? Say no to plagiarism. Get a tailor-made essay on "Why Violent Video Games Shouldn't Be Banned"? Get an Original Essay I find that most of us have one or two ways of dealing with our past. Some of us try to bury it, we don't even want to think about the mistakes we've made or the pain we've endured. Others of us seem to be stuck in our past, reliving it in our minds day after day. You know that research shows that none of these scenarios are particularly healthy for us. If you think about it, it makes sense. If we avoid facing our past, we end up failing to recognize the many, often limiting, ways in which our past influences our present. On the other hand, if we live in our past, we end up over-identifying, ruminating, and letting it rule us. Living in our past prevents us from living in the present while ignoring our past leads us to unconsciously ignore how our past is affecting our present. None of these are good for us? So why do we do it? Anticipation Principle Believe it or not, our brain works on the anticipation principle. We as individuals generally cannot act without first anticipating what we will do or how something will turn out. We all spend time contemplating all the possibilities before acting on something and that's normal. There is comfort in being able to predict or anticipate the future. If we can predict the future, that allows us to prepare. Our memories are meant to protect us from harm or situations that could result from something negative happening. For example, have you ever known someone who was bitten by a dog when they were younger and is now very cautious around dogs or maybe even avoids them altogether? If we encounter a situation or person that we perceive as dangerous, that memory helps us remember to avoid that situation or person in the future. In general, the ability to predict our future experiences based on what we have learned in the past is a good thing. How our memory can self-destruct The problem comes into play when we want to free ourselves from self-destructive patterns, bad situations or bad habits. This exact same memory system that protects us can actually also keep us trapped. Based on our past memories we make predictions about our current situation and what we expect to happen. For this reason our past experiences can become limiting, preventing us from moving forward. What happens is that when things happen in our lives we tend to incorporate those events into our stored beliefs about our world and ourselves. That iswhat happens is that we start to believe what I call “false truths”. For example, my son believes he won't do well in the college courses he's supposed to take in college, so he feels like he's setting himself up to fail if he goes to college. His memory was that he was not good at school and so this memory tries to protect him from failure, preventing him from taking action to go to college. He expects that, based on his past experience with the school and what he perceives as failures, that it will not go well this time. The reality is that he had no interest in school and simply didn't apply himself. He is very intelligent and capable but he has told himself that he is not. Let me give you a few more examples… You had a bad marriage so you decide you never want to get married again. You believe that marriage isn't for you or that the next one will end the same way. You were fired or lost your job, so now you expect it to happen again and have formed the belief that something must be wrong with you or your performance. You were cheated on in a past relationship and now you always fear the same thing will happen to you again. You have been in an abusive relationship and now believe you are unworthy of love and have low self-esteem. None of this is true of course, but you have come to believe the lies you have been told or have told yourself. Unfortunately, we all do it; something happens, we form a belief about what it means and then use that belief to predict what will happen in similar future situations. We then act based on what we predict will happen. Guess what? We actually end up creating the exact scenario we expected. This process is so automatic that most of the time we are not even aware that it is happening. So how can we work to change these destructive habits? Step 1: Awareness The first step is to notice that you expect something negative or unwanted to happen. Take note of your emotions regarding that particular situation. If you notice that you are expecting something negative, you will be filled with emotions such as fear, dread, or anxiety. Once you are aware of these emotions try asking yourself: what do you want instead? I know that for me I would have anxiety when I was invited to any social event, I would be filled with anxiety and dread. I just knew I wasn't going to enjoy it and my immediate response was to find a way out. If I had no choice but to go, I would have kept a low profile and planned my early escape. Guess what? The result I expected was exactly what happened, I didn't enjoy it very much. What I learned was that when I was able to start identifying that I was doing this, I could start working towards a different outcome. The first step is to be aware that you are doing it, most of the time we don't think much beyond how we feel. Step 2: Recognition The next step is recognition. For years I felt like I was always a victim of circumstance and that things always seemed to happen to me; that nothing ever went the way I wanted, that I couldn't do anything right. Life had it in for me. If this is you then give yourself a slap! What I've learned is that almost everything in life we create through our decisions, one way or another. There is almost no situation in which we can say we are completely free from any blame. As for my son's situation, if he can recognize that his perceived failure was the result of a lack of effort, the reality that he is truly capable will be more real. Therefore he may recognize that he has the ability to put in more effort this time, thus changing the outcome..

Topic > 7 Ways To Stop Living In The Past happy bankStep 7: Work on yourselfLive in the pastHave you ever wondered why you always seem to end up in the same place in your life, in the same situations, or with the same types of people? Have you ever wondered why every time you start a new relationship the result is the same type of relationship you had the last time? Do you always set the same goals every year and then keep breaking them? Do you find that you always end up talking about everything or that you always think about the worst case scenario? Surprisingly enough, what most people don't understand is that we tend to recreate the past over and over again, often without even realizing it. Have you ever felt trapped in an eternal DejaVu. Have you ever wondered why, why nothing ever seems to change? Say no to plagiarism. Get a tailor-made essay on "Why Violent Video Games Shouldn't Be Banned"? Get an Original Essay I find that most of us have one or two ways of dealing with our past. Some of us try to bury it, we don't even want to think about the mistakes we've made or the pain we've endured. Others of us seem to be stuck in our past, reliving it in our minds day after day. You know that research shows that none of these scenarios are particularly healthy for us. If you think about it, it makes sense. If we avoid facing our past, we end up failing to recognize the many, often limiting, ways in which our past influences our present. On the other hand, if we live in our past, we end up over-identifying, ruminating, and letting it rule us. Living in our past prevents us from living in the present while ignoring our past leads us to unconsciously ignore how our past is affecting our present. None of these are good for us? So why do we do it? Anticipation Principle Believe it or not, our brain works on the anticipation principle. We as individuals generally cannot act without first anticipating what we will do or how something will turn out. We all spend time contemplating all the possibilities before acting on something and that's normal. There is comfort in being able to predict or anticipate the future. If we can predict the future, that allows us to prepare. Our memories are meant to protect us from harm or situations that could result from something negative happening. For example, have you ever known someone who was bitten by a dog when they were younger and is now very cautious around dogs or maybe even avoids them altogether? If we encounter a situation or person that we perceive as dangerous, that memory helps us remember to avoid that situation or person in the future. In general, the ability to predict our future experiences based on what we have learned in the past is a good thing. How our memory can self-destruct The problem comes into play when we want to free ourselves from self-destructive patterns, bad situations or bad habits. This exact same memory system that protects us can actually also keep us trapped. Based on our past memories we make predictions about our current situation and what we expect to happen. For this reason our past experiences can become limiting, preventing us from moving forward. What happens is that when things happen in our lives we tend to incorporate those events into our stored beliefs about our world and ourselves. That iswhat happens is that we start to believe what I call “false truths”. For example, my son believes he won't do well in the college courses he's supposed to take in college, so he feels like he's setting himself up to fail if he goes to college. His memory was that he was not good at school and so this memory tries to protect him from failure, preventing him from taking action to go to college. He expects that, based on his past experience with the school and what he perceives as failures, that it will not go well this time. The reality is that he had no interest in school and simply didn't apply himself. He is very intelligent and capable but he has told himself that he is not. Let me give you a few more examples… You had a bad marriage so you decide you never want to get married again. You believe that marriage isn't for you or that the next one will end the same way. You were fired or lost your job, so now you expect it to happen again and have formed the belief that something must be wrong with you or your performance. You were cheated on in a past relationship and now you always fear the same thing will happen to you again. You have been in an abusive relationship and now believe you are unworthy of love and have low self-esteem. None of this is true of course, but you have come to believe the lies you have been told or have told yourself. Unfortunately, we all do it; something happens, we form a belief about what it means and then use that belief to predict what will happen in similar future situations. We then act based on what we predict will happen. Guess what? We actually end up creating the exact scenario we expected. This process is so automatic that most of the time we are not even aware that it is happening. So how can we work to change these destructive habits? Step 1: Awareness The first step is to notice that you expect something negative or unwanted to happen. Take note of your emotions regarding that particular situation. If you notice that you are expecting something negative, you will be filled with emotions such as fear, dread, or anxiety. Once you are aware of these emotions try asking yourself: what do you want instead? I know that for me I would have anxiety when I was invited to any social event, I would be filled with anxiety and dread. I just knew I wasn't going to enjoy it and my immediate response was to find a way out. If I had no choice but to go, I would have kept a low profile and planned my early escape. Guess what? The result I expected was exactly what happened, I didn't enjoy it very much. What I learned was that when I was able to start identifying that I was doing this, I could start working towards a different outcome. The first step is to be aware that you are doing it, most of the time we don't think much beyond how we feel. Step 2: Recognition The next step is recognition. For years I felt like I was always a victim of circumstance and that things always seemed to happen to me; that nothing ever went the way I wanted, that I couldn't do anything right. Life had it in for me. If this is you then give yourself a slap! What I've learned is that almost everything in life we create through our decisions, one way or another. There is almost no situation in which we can say we are completely free from any blame. As for my son's situation, if he can recognize that his perceived failure was the result of a lack of effort, the reality that he is truly capable will be more real. Therefore he may recognize that he has the ability to put in more effort this time, thus changing the outcome..